Times are changing so quickly

A grain of sand circles around the vortex, dragged down into the abyss, pushed by gravity and pulled by the falling of it's brothers as it moves closer to the precipice. The ground gives way under it's weight, falling it tumbles. Pushed and prodded by it's brothers and sisters it falls and falls unknowing when it will finally hit the surface below, even if a surface exists at all. Time seems to halt and the single grain reflects on it's situation. All the forces of the universe have conspired to put it in this single moment. Existence as it is experienced is only this single falling micron. The dice have been thrown and so has he into an uncontrollable presence, what will happen next? When will it happen?

Crashing into the ground below, only momentarily on top of the pile until more bodies of sand fall and cover the grain with their bodies. Darkness surrounds the grain, the light blocked from view by the saturation of the individuals around him. One of the millions becomes, lost as an individual once again. Safe, secure, content. Not Alone. For in all the chaos of the fall, for all the tumbling and turning and unknowing. Chance has played a hand in his fate. She is next to him. He senses her presence and knows that an eternity they could lie together. Just waiting until the next time someone turns the hour glass.

Traveling again

I currently sit in Logan Airport. Thoughts of the last few weeks zigzag across my mind bouncing off my skull like a ricocheting bullet. Once again I'm traveling for work, correcting and expanding it's empire of service for the bottom dollar. Traveling for work is usually never pleasant. People have it in their heads that if you travel with work it's this amazing wonderful experience. I just view it as time away from my friends and family. Time wasted that could be better spent with loved ones. This trip was different however. I got to see her again. Only for a extremely short time but enough that I'd spend a year traveling for work to be able to repeat.

I am always lost for words when my mind tries to force my tongue to articulate my feelings for her. The word love seems like just a small definition. A feeling that you can just mark with a label and put it to the side and continue on with your life. It isn't tho. The more i try and put a definition on my feels the more overwhelming they are. Can you define your feelings based on what you would give or do for someone? What you would let them do/give in return? It all seems like this amazing energy cloud that has no ending and is unfathomable.

Mixed emotions

Celebration is in the air. It hangs around me like a early morning fog blanketing the ground and blocking my view of the land around me. I move swiftly through the mist and the world disappears behind me into a void of nothingness.

A good friend was married yesterday. The anti-groom has also become a friend over the last while. A day of celebration and a night of drinking and enjoyment ensued. I feel refreshed and thin at the same time. I feel like my mind is being stretched beyond it's limits at times. I tell myself this is the consquences of the previous night but it seems to go deeper.

I awoke this morning and felt the betrayal of a close friend even though that friend betrayed me with all good intentions and joy for me. The fog hangs thicker than ever before.

I miss her so much. I can only think that once we're together everything in my life will fall into place and purpose will be restored. As it stands life has no meaning without her.

Soon

I sit and stare out into the distance. My mind on her constantly. On a near daily basis we've talked, it has never been enough tho. To touch her face and taste her lips is all i want now. I'm heading back to America this friday to spend 10 days with this woman. This amazing person who makes me feel alive for the first time in a very long time. Who makes me feel a mirade of emotions every time i think of her.

My Friends - Sweeney Todd

Release

The wind blows through the field of gold. Wheat bends and folds in the wind only to spring back towards it's never ending search of the sun. I feel it tickle and brush against my hands as i open them and walk forward. My eyes on the sunset that washes the horizon in colours that seem even more beautiful than any mix of light I've ever seen. You tell me to stop. I obey, still hoping that something will change. That a mistake will be realized and this will all be over. You put your hand on my shoulder and push me to my knees. I don't resist and fall to the ground. I hear the click of a cigarette lighter and hear you light up. You ask if I'd like a puff, I refuse. I want to be clear for what comes next.

I look forward at a cloud. I feel every emotion hit my body. Pain, happiness, anger, joy, sorrow and even love for what I'm seeing. I look skywards and embrace the world with outstretched hands.

Another click. I know the sound that is emitted. I know what it means. The end. I pull in the energy to my body and time slowly begins to catch up to me. I'm released. Free from the bonds of life. I feel no pain as the bullet enters the back of my head and explodes my grey matter as it penetrates my mind. Darkness comes. Nothing.

Waves crash over me. Pushing me down onto the ocean floor. Wanting to smash my body into millions of pieces like it has done with the sand that rushes through my toes. Freezing is the word that comes to mind. Ocean water sent from the south pole to wash against this shore is still very cold as it breaks over me.

I run to the shore but the sudden cold water and stretching of the run don't seem to mix well. My calf muscle rips under the strain and I fall fall to the ground holding my leg in pain. Time passes and yet the pain doesn't disappear, it increases. My short lived holiday is over. I limp back home and see a doctor.

I'm told I've torn the muscle that attaches my aquiles heal to my leg. Two to four weeks I'll be out of action. One to three i know this means. I've always been a fast healer. Every time I've had stitches I've always had to have them removed many days before most people would. With all the problems my body gives me at least it's able to recover.

Another drop added, only a ocean to fill now

Silence. Not even the wind fills my ears. I float weightless and close my eyes blocking out as much light as possible. I feel waves wash over my body and a breeze cools my chest and face as it passes over the water. I'm startled as a noise breaks into the void I've created. Ripping me back to reality i lift my head from the water and smile at friends who laugh and talk by the side of the pool.

I'm finally in. After years of planning and savings I've finally managed to move into my own place. These last years have been some of the most stressful I've faced in a long time. Owning your own place changes you completely. Whereas once you looked at a seat as a place to rest now you look at it as a decorate. Everything seems to have new meanings.

I did a walk through of the local hardware store and nearly cried with the thoughts of everything that is to come before i can be happy in this new place. So much work done so much more to come.

Vacation. It's what i need. The offer to spend the weekend on a houseboat although with strangers is too appealing to pass up. It seems strange that when I finally have my own place all I want is to take some time away from it.

Can't we stop at the top and enjoy the view?

Looks like the roller-coaster that are my emotions is on a high. Things seem to be taking a turn for the better. A weekend with the same crew gave new insights to past actions I've never understood but now take to heart to try and forge myself into a more careful person. I think I finally have a understanding of the rock but a whole new world has been opened to my mind with the thought of that rock skipping across a pond. Ripples form and waves are crashed into the shore of life.

Reconnecting with the energies around me

I've been feeling distant to the people around me of late. Disconnected from people who i count on as my power base. My mind keeps thinking of what could be and it pains me to think what might not.

I spent the new years with what should be considered my very close friends. Drinks where had and jokes where told. But the warmth and energy I used to feel doesn't seem to exist anymore. I think it's mainly from me. Clouds from my teenage years loom over my head, deep down I want the storm to come just so it passes. Fear of being washed away is all too real. I'm lost. I know the path that lays before me but I can't seem to pick a direction. Instead of making a mistake I procrastinate and loose any hope of choice I think I could have.

I need to find my center again. Maybe i should just jump into the void and see where I land. Terrifying as it seems. I seek guidance but know that I'm the only one who can lead me on this path. Everyone gives directions but none know the way.