Darkness envelops before the light of day can shine

The end of another month is fast approaching. Not just any month the last of the year. December has always held the record for the most amount of deaths of any month of the year. Car crashes, drug overdoses and suicide all increase this time of year. The sudden realisation of how alone people really are seems to blanket the warmth of life that shines from everything around us. On the flip side nine months past Christmas holds the most amount of births of any month of the year. It's the month where i was born.

The temperature is closely approaching unbearable, I feel a need to hide from the world and only come out at night during the summer. The night is always welcoming to my soul. However, clouds loam in the sky above my head, blocking the stars from my view. It's the only comfort, living in the country. The stars at night. The only thing I like more than the stars in a night sky is a rainstorm. Not the actual rain but the moment just before where you can hear in the distance the roar of the water as it crashes into the ground. And after woods when a silence settles around you before the earth awakens from it's slumber during the downpour. It's always seemed strange in my mind when people need to travel on foot during the rain and they run. Stop. Enjoy the feeling of the water on your skin, realise what exactly your hiding from. Life. Water is the source of existence. It shouldn't be shunned, embrace it.

Tear the paper

With a flick and a pull the minty twists in the wind and the wrapper becomes loose. I pop the mint into my mouth and slowly flatten the paper in my hands. Taking a corner i slowly rip the paper from one side to the other, turning the paper i repeat until I'm left with a single string of paper where once I had a sheet.

I see reflections of my life of late to this process. Taking something that i enjoy, stripping it bare, then attempting to turn it into something it wasn't originally.

I burned another friend and seem unable or unwilling to mend the bond between us. Why do i push the people who matter to me away. Is it a protection mechanism or am i just unable to allow more than the singular person in at a time. Can it be that i require my full attention to someone to guarantee loyalty or am i so shut off from everything around me that only a tiny hole can be sustained in my armor. I often feel i haven't enough to offer the people around me that would justify time and effort spent on both our behalf's.

I'm in a tech conference all week and i can feel my energy being drained. I need a out. Maybe it's time to start running again.

Bullet in the Brain

Home at last!

As the plane touched down I remember thinking to myself how glad i was to be home. The simple act of sitting in the front seat of the taxi that was to take me home filled my heart with joy. Driving past familiar ground returning me to my place of strength and happiness.

The weekend pasted with a blur a stream of friendly and well known faces filled my time. Reconnecting with friends and family learning what had transpired since my departure. A day in the park, nothing but cooling beer and quick kick of the football. Everything comforting and yet my thoughts keep drifting back to her. I struggle to figure out what this is that I'm feeling.

I returned to work today. The place seems to have changed so much, many new faces are scattered around the office. We are on the precipice of great things. The market is screaming for talent however and I'm uncertain if i should stay or move on. So much uncertainty. I feel my life to be missing direction but unable to pick a destination.

Glass cracks then shatters

The engine roared and pushed me forward. Picking up speed the fuel spitting into a fire that turned giant fans and forced air to combust. The wings twist and the plane takes to the morning sky.

I fly away from Boston onto the land of my ancestors. Not home, but where I'm from. As i climb higher into the sky i know that I'm leaving her. Maybe never to feel her touch again. A part of me is crushed, a crack has formed. It was only a short time but I feel something deep in me wanting to know where it could of gone. Was it the start of something I've not felt in such a very long time. I could feel the walls falling. Breaking into dust. But now they return. A hardening of will and focus. Not allowing anything in. A hard shell cocooning me from the world. Protecting my soul from any gash that would shatter me into a thousand pieces. That same wall makes me numb however. Blocks my senses to what could be. I feel maybe I'm on the wrong path. Lost in a forest that seemed like home only a week ago.

I feel a lose of power as well. Clouds now loom over my head. The crackling of thunder I can feel in the distance. I must keep moving. Keep away from the storm. With my eyes forward I keep focus to the future. My mind keeps pulling me back but.

White winter began

The water boiled and the shook itself free from the bonds of it's brothers, rising into the air and floating high, reaching for the fiery ball in the sky. It floats inland and cool air from the mountains cause it to seek the refuge of company. The weight of it's siblings pull it back to earth. It falls. Plummets to the ground picking up speed and the shift of coldness causes it to freeze. Air picks up the flake and slows it's momentum. It now slowly floats. Pushed sideways by gushes of wind. It spins and dances in the air, falling then lifting as the air pushes it back up. Soon it touches the warm ground. Sacrificing it's body to cool the earth and allow it's brothers to soon blanket the ground.

Snow poured for the first time of the winter season today. It's definitely something we don't see enough of at home. I spent an hour staring at the winds twisting and turning the ice in the air before it would dissolve onto the wet ground. Tonight the water that sits in the gutters will freeze and go slick. Hopefully the snow will continue to fall and twist in the wind.

Soon she comes. Not long now I tell myself. My mind races with thoughts of her soft features and warm body. Soon she will take the cold from me and I can be content. I watch the clock and wait. I'm excited and terrorfied at the same time. 26 hours and counting.

Another day in waiting

Again I'm sitting in front of the glare of my screen wondering what I can do to pass some time and again my interest has been sparked to draw a few pixels that consists of my current life. No real subject comes to mind as to what picture needs to be drawn but a need to be fulfilled must be satisfied.

Modern life has lost a lot of things in it's attempt to move forward and gain so much. Gone are the days of bliss that one receives from staring into a real fire. To feel the burn from the flame and to watch the crackle of the logs as they burst open enriching more life into such a barren world. Fire has always been a comfort to me. A primal urge to know that if you stay close nothing can harm you. To feel it's heat radiating on your skin and knowing that your guard can be dropped if only for a moment from any predators that circle your camp awaiting their opportunity to envelope you back into the circle of life.

Some people say that we live in such a protected life but they are just blind to the real threats that hide deep in the darkness. Sure we don't live in a world of monsters or beasts that would slay you only to survive themselves, but we do still live in a world of predators. People who would wipe you from this world like a bug from a windscreen if given the chance and desire. This is where the flame holds it's closest secret. It works with these people, not against. Lulling you like the soft coos of a parent only to allow them, or indeed the flame itself, the chance to take what you hold dear if you should but only blink away from your goals.

Alas I have no fire to warm my cold damp legs, only an electrical fan which holds no interesting properties and never seems to strike the cold from my body, only seems to move it from one part to another.

In my mind i can picture the fire of my ancestors. From another life perhaps. A roaring fire surrounded by stone which trys to burst forth into the blackness of night. The hunt of the day spits at it as the flames lick it's corpse. People salivate, as the smell reaches their nostrils, of the impending feast. Stars twinkle in the sky and the moon reflects the suns light onto a ground that would be impassable without it. A cooling breeze rolls through the hills carrying with it the smell of trees and life. People smile and sing. For another day has passed and today was a fruitful day.

No such life exists around me now. Only the blaring lights of a city that blocks my view of the stars and shines on a place that i could never call home. Only a cold stone bench that holds the key that enables me to vent my thoughts. Only the hum of electrical machinery. And the silence of friends and family.

A promise of a story of a hamster, a chicken and a cow.

The alarm rang out in the early hours of the morning. A voice breaking the peace of the night, chattering away calling me back to reality. The news, the traffic or maybe a warning of a coming storm my mind unable to grasp what was being said. I reach out to silence the commotion, to lessen the stress upon my mind. Silence. But too late the world pours into my senses, i awaken to another day. Light floods into my eyes and further awakens me into the world. I have been born into another day. Where am i? Who? Life sweeps me into it's arms and my consciousness becomes apparent. I recognize my surrounding and know where i am. Memories flood my mind of the previous days events and I worry about what is in store. I try and fight it, try to resist but all for nothing. Sleep has left me not to return, no matter, for i know what tonight holds.

I calmly clean and prepare myself for the coming day. I move to where I'm needed and complete tasks as they come. I put order where before was chaos. Not paying attention to my day as my mind keeps wondering. I look forward when i should be looking closer to where i stand. The day seems to drag on. The afternoon seems to take forever. At last. The night approaches.

I retreat back to my den. To prepare for what has always been coming. Only to find my conviction wading. Should I? Can I? But what if? All cloud my thoughts. No. I must. I reach out and make contact. I wait for the time. The clock ticks. Time seems to finally stand still. I try to distract my mind. To trick time into moving faster. Nothing helps. The clock ticks. I pace. I clasp my hands. The clock ticks. Unable to cope i start to travel. I walk to the rank and raise a taxi. I ask him to take me away from this place where time stands still. He drives. He tells me of his home of his life i try and muster as much will to appear interested as possible but fail in my mind. I don't care. My thoughts are unable to stay with the driver. Dread seeps into my mind. It's almost time and i'm close, i feel it.

City lights flash by. A bum sits in the street begging for a better life but unwilling or unable to move towards it. People laugh stepping over him without noticing the pain and sorrow in his eyes, they are numb to his pain from the liquor passing through their veins or maybe from a world of jagged edges. A siren blares in the distance. Closer still i come. Maybe i should turn back. Go back to my den away from all these harsh lights and rude souls. No. I press on. I must. At last I see in the distance the sign. I pay my fare and depart from my last safety shell. No turning back now i scream to the back of mind. Pushing myself forward through the door that hides my fear.

And their you sit. Alone and waiting. I join you and time suddenly speeds out of control. Talk is easy and I feel the connection of souls. Why does time move so. Tick. Tick. Tick. It moves too fast for me to keep track. Why wont it slow down. I touch your hand for the first time and feel a shiver in the depths of my being. The night runs away. Pulling the day into the sky.

Somehow I'm back in my den. Tho I'm not alone this time. You are still with me. Still by my side. The warmth of your body next to me heats me with a fire I've never felt. We talk for hours staring into each others eyes and i feel a happiness I've not felt for sometime. A near completeness. Touching, feeling, tasting you but time again races. It mocks me with it's movements.

The sun peaks the sky and together we travel. Music fills my ears and the place of lost memories approaches. We travel together into a world of childhood happiness. A world of wonder and crowds. People searching for that perfect moment. A memory that will fade to nothing. I try and hold you to mine. To engrave it into my soul. Never to fade as long as I live. Is it possible. Will it last. Nothing does. The light of day passes quickly. Too quick. Has time again sped up. Is it possible.

I know the end approaches and with knowledge of it's impending arrival a cloud covers my heart. I know soon you will be gone. Away from me but not away from my thoughts.

Sleep overpowers my will and dreams sweep over my thoughts. I'm moving through a forest. Traveling a path. I chance upon a fork in this path and seem unable to make my mind which way to turn. A hamster comes out of a nook in a tree and speaks. Not in english but more with twitches and wiggles of his mouth, yet i understand. Right. The path less traveled but definitely the path i should take. I wave at the hamster as thanks and smile. The path isn't as clear as it used to be. Branches cover the way but i press on. The light from the sun breaks through the
trees and leaves warmimg my face.

I come to a clearing and see a beautiful meadow. Suddenly i sense something isn't right. Someone or something is watching. I pause and listen. Silence. I move close to the ground and wait longer. Still nothing. Slowly i move forward, staying to the tree line searching the grass ahead for any signs. Then i see it. A lion in the grass. Prowling slowly forward. Her eyes looking at an unseen victim. I quietly move towards the lion, ever careful not alert it to my presence but somehow unable to leave. Then i can see what occupies the lions attention. A cow grazes ignorant to it's observers.

Then it happens. The lion races forward. Eyes focused. The cow sees a flash of movement to the side and looks calmly up at the incoming predator. It doesn't move. Doesn't seem scared. Just continues to chew it's cud. I can't understand. Why doesn't it run. To turn to fight. The lion leaps into the air. The impact of it's body into the cow sure to help tackle it to the ground.

Then i hear it. A rooster crows. I wake. Confused as to why I've been ripped from my meadow. What happened. Where am i. The memory of the dream still strong in my mind but fading quickly as neural pathways fire and everything floods back into my thoughts. Before i look to the side i can feel your heat. I lay still as to not awaken you. But you must sense me being awake as you open your eyes and stare into mine. I'm lost in your beauty.

I kiss your mouth and taste your lips. I pull you close and feel you wrap your body around mine. You rest your head on my shoulder and I listen to you saying my name. The sound makes me smile and i feel content.

Time again seems to move with a blur. One moment your by my side the next i watch as you walk down the hall and out of my life. I sit on my bed and listen. Hoping that I'll hear a knock on the door and you've returned. Silence. It never comes. I close my eyes and focus on your image. Your hair, your eyes. Your soft milk skin. I can still taste you on my lips and your scent fills my senses. Silence. I'm again alone.

Confessions of a confused mind

The light blinks on my clock and reads 2:30am. So here I sit another night is crawls by and the sandman has passed by my door. What better way to pass the time than to spew forth the idle thoughts of my mind.

I've been traveling, not by choice but by circumstances that seem out of my control. Currently I sit in a hotel in Boston on the other side of the world from my home. I have a busy day tomorrow, the stress upon my mind warding off any chance that rest will meet my eyes tonight. Unable to saturate my mind with thoughts that comfort myself to sleep. I stare.

Flicking through the idiot box doesn't help. A pass over of the internet sparks no interest so something new I now seek, something to help me express the pain and joy I feel in my heart yet am unable to muster words in real life. So to the digital age i turn, coughing forth into the abyss that is the internet for the belittle amusement of randoms whom i have no connection.

I have no clue why I'm writing, pushing forward my thoughts in such a open forum. 'Practice' i tell myself. But practice for what? Am i under the glimmer of hope that if I'm able to construct my words for strangers I'd be able to erect them in public to the people who matter?

The problem with my forwarding of thoughts into such an abyss seems to lie in the belief that no one cares. People don't listen anymore, don't feel the real emotion that pours forth on a daily basis. If they did maybe they too could be sweeped away into a vortex, unable to escape, unable to breath. Or really is it a belief of people that they are the center of the universe, but then by me pushing forward my thoughts aren't I falling into that trap. That I have something more important to say than the next person. No. Nothing that comes from my mouth or fingers is more important than the next person. Nothing i write hasn't already been written before in some form or language. Everything has been done, everything has been said. So why bother? Why take the time to put words to paper, fingers to keys, sounds to voice.

Expression. Everyone feels a deep need to express themselves. Even if the expression they wish to project is the same as the person next. We take great enjoyment in expression that's repeatable. Emotions and thoughts. It's what connects us to this world. Even the lack of expression is a form of expression. Born with a lack of imagination or possibly it's been ripped from my mind with the passage of time spent staring at pixels moving across a glass tube. So maybe the gift of words can be my expression. Only time will tell.

And so I welcome you brother or sister to my little corner of the internet. Where i plan to portray to you snippets of my life and experiences. I'll try and keep it as interesting as possible and include some short stories that I'll pour from my mind into this forum.