Darkness envelops before the light of day can shine

The end of another month is fast approaching. Not just any month the last of the year. December has always held the record for the most amount of deaths of any month of the year. Car crashes, drug overdoses and suicide all increase this time of year. The sudden realisation of how alone people really are seems to blanket the warmth of life that shines from everything around us. On the flip side nine months past Christmas holds the most amount of births of any month of the year. It's the month where i was born.

The temperature is closely approaching unbearable, I feel a need to hide from the world and only come out at night during the summer. The night is always welcoming to my soul. However, clouds loam in the sky above my head, blocking the stars from my view. It's the only comfort, living in the country. The stars at night. The only thing I like more than the stars in a night sky is a rainstorm. Not the actual rain but the moment just before where you can hear in the distance the roar of the water as it crashes into the ground. And after woods when a silence settles around you before the earth awakens from it's slumber during the downpour. It's always seemed strange in my mind when people need to travel on foot during the rain and they run. Stop. Enjoy the feeling of the water on your skin, realise what exactly your hiding from. Life. Water is the source of existence. It shouldn't be shunned, embrace it.

Tear the paper

With a flick and a pull the minty twists in the wind and the wrapper becomes loose. I pop the mint into my mouth and slowly flatten the paper in my hands. Taking a corner i slowly rip the paper from one side to the other, turning the paper i repeat until I'm left with a single string of paper where once I had a sheet.

I see reflections of my life of late to this process. Taking something that i enjoy, stripping it bare, then attempting to turn it into something it wasn't originally.

I burned another friend and seem unable or unwilling to mend the bond between us. Why do i push the people who matter to me away. Is it a protection mechanism or am i just unable to allow more than the singular person in at a time. Can it be that i require my full attention to someone to guarantee loyalty or am i so shut off from everything around me that only a tiny hole can be sustained in my armor. I often feel i haven't enough to offer the people around me that would justify time and effort spent on both our behalf's.

I'm in a tech conference all week and i can feel my energy being drained. I need a out. Maybe it's time to start running again.

Bullet in the Brain

Home at last!

As the plane touched down I remember thinking to myself how glad i was to be home. The simple act of sitting in the front seat of the taxi that was to take me home filled my heart with joy. Driving past familiar ground returning me to my place of strength and happiness.

The weekend pasted with a blur a stream of friendly and well known faces filled my time. Reconnecting with friends and family learning what had transpired since my departure. A day in the park, nothing but cooling beer and quick kick of the football. Everything comforting and yet my thoughts keep drifting back to her. I struggle to figure out what this is that I'm feeling.

I returned to work today. The place seems to have changed so much, many new faces are scattered around the office. We are on the precipice of great things. The market is screaming for talent however and I'm uncertain if i should stay or move on. So much uncertainty. I feel my life to be missing direction but unable to pick a destination.