The flow of time

It's been awhile since I've posted dear reader and I have much to discuss. Life has been very kind and has pushed me high above the dark seas of my past. I feel awaken to a new existence that I never truly thought possible for myself. I've seen others in fleeting moments of bliss and have always thought that holding onto these moments is like holding onto the details of a dream as it slips uncontrollably from your grasp. Life's favor has indeed been great and I feel so blessed to finally find some solace from the storm that has fractured my mind and soul.

New life is beating inside the one I have joined myself forever and soon his cry will tear asunder the quite bliss that we are experiencing. Removal from solitude doesn't bother me as much as the thought that accompanies the arrival of my son. The knowledge of being looked upon for guidance is more terrifying than any quest to slay even the greatest of dragons. The weight of responsibly is something that I will never flee from but it seems one of the most daunting tasks that I've forged my mind against. The understanding that single moments are pivotal to the development and success of a psyche. That eyes will look to me to provide such calm surroundings when my mind refuses to offer myself such an requested environment.

I used to dream of being alone. Of standing in a room with no windows and no doors. Placed in this space by hands that where not my own. I used to think how safe and comforting this room would be. I used to wish for nothing more than the darkness that this room would provide. Now I dream of a hand, outstretched seeking mine, eyes looking up with a smile as the sun rises and blankets out the darkness with it's warm blinding glow.

Times are changing so quickly

A grain of sand circles around the vortex, dragged down into the abyss, pushed by gravity and pulled by the falling of it's brothers as it moves closer to the precipice. The ground gives way under it's weight, falling it tumbles. Pushed and prodded by it's brothers and sisters it falls and falls unknowing when it will finally hit the surface below, even if a surface exists at all. Time seems to halt and the single grain reflects on it's situation. All the forces of the universe have conspired to put it in this single moment. Existence as it is experienced is only this single falling micron. The dice have been thrown and so has he into an uncontrollable presence, what will happen next? When will it happen?

Crashing into the ground below, only momentarily on top of the pile until more bodies of sand fall and cover the grain with their bodies. Darkness surrounds the grain, the light blocked from view by the saturation of the individuals around him. One of the millions becomes, lost as an individual once again. Safe, secure, content. Not Alone. For in all the chaos of the fall, for all the tumbling and turning and unknowing. Chance has played a hand in his fate. She is next to him. He senses her presence and knows that an eternity they could lie together. Just waiting until the next time someone turns the hour glass.

Traveling again

I currently sit in Logan Airport. Thoughts of the last few weeks zigzag across my mind bouncing off my skull like a ricocheting bullet. Once again I'm traveling for work, correcting and expanding it's empire of service for the bottom dollar. Traveling for work is usually never pleasant. People have it in their heads that if you travel with work it's this amazing wonderful experience. I just view it as time away from my friends and family. Time wasted that could be better spent with loved ones. This trip was different however. I got to see her again. Only for a extremely short time but enough that I'd spend a year traveling for work to be able to repeat.

I am always lost for words when my mind tries to force my tongue to articulate my feelings for her. The word love seems like just a small definition. A feeling that you can just mark with a label and put it to the side and continue on with your life. It isn't tho. The more i try and put a definition on my feels the more overwhelming they are. Can you define your feelings based on what you would give or do for someone? What you would let them do/give in return? It all seems like this amazing energy cloud that has no ending and is unfathomable.

Mixed emotions

Celebration is in the air. It hangs around me like a early morning fog blanketing the ground and blocking my view of the land around me. I move swiftly through the mist and the world disappears behind me into a void of nothingness.

A good friend was married yesterday. The anti-groom has also become a friend over the last while. A day of celebration and a night of drinking and enjoyment ensued. I feel refreshed and thin at the same time. I feel like my mind is being stretched beyond it's limits at times. I tell myself this is the consquences of the previous night but it seems to go deeper.

I awoke this morning and felt the betrayal of a close friend even though that friend betrayed me with all good intentions and joy for me. The fog hangs thicker than ever before.

I miss her so much. I can only think that once we're together everything in my life will fall into place and purpose will be restored. As it stands life has no meaning without her.

Soon

I sit and stare out into the distance. My mind on her constantly. On a near daily basis we've talked, it has never been enough tho. To touch her face and taste her lips is all i want now. I'm heading back to America this friday to spend 10 days with this woman. This amazing person who makes me feel alive for the first time in a very long time. Who makes me feel a mirade of emotions every time i think of her.

My Friends - Sweeney Todd